Somewhere in the space between my departure gate at O’Hare airport in Chicago and my last barefoot moments walking through the jungle in Bali…I found miles of grace.
I should mention that in Bali, most of every day was spent barefoot. Now I am used to packing things that I do not necessarily "need"...but I would not have guessed shoes would fall into this category.
All packing phenomena aside, the superfluous volume of pure beauty in Bali is not to be believed! A mindscape of terraced rice paddy fields and numerous temples surrounded by wild rivers that cut through deep canyons of jungle with volcanoes visible on the horizon. All contained in a culture that thrives on worldly pleasure, spiritual devotion, and embraces an encyclopedia of kindness. You literally can not look anywhere without having your eyes met by a heavily adorned alter or an offering on the grounds, on the walls, and over archways…all in vibrant arrangements of fresh flowers, incense and candles.
The whole idea of Bali is a matrix, a massive and invisible grid of spirit guides, customs, art, science, and religion. This is why it is referred to as “the island of the gods,” and there is no doubt that the island is certainly haunted by the type of enchantment that is both transcendent and divine.
I wish it were possible to fully describe the spiritual overhaul that took place for me in Bali, or the collection of brave and gentle souls who I met there. I was moved by each person who came to gather and stand side by side as both strangers and as family in what seemed to be this Alice in wonderland like parallel universe of an adventure. An adventure that even came complete with a capsizing boat ride and tantric dancers all in the same day! Anyways, my short entry is the best that I can do as an attempt to give shape to the intangible.
What I enjoyed most about Bali was that it provided a consistent series of uplifting and illuminating moments. I felt a shift that made my time there feel less like I was searching and more like I was “being.” As far as I can tell, personal awakening is a direct result of your best effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in manifesting your own conscious expansion so that you can take those teachings and better serve others…and this of course is somewhat of an endless pilgrimage since we must always take care of our "families" wherever we may find them…again and again.
So with this in mind I focused on surrendering and letting go as a way to reach a heightened and progressive state of opening myself up more fully. Which was made easy to do as I was drinking from and running my head under the Tampak Siring Temple fountains (holy spring water), meditating, drumming, painting, carving, praying, etc. for hours each day. Additionally, in the evenings we would stumble upon mysterious temple rituals in the most hidden of places and let ourselves be hypnotized by the chorus of voices and ceremonial dances.
Part of why this trip felt like utopia was also that there was an equal balance between individual and universal experience that was occurring. This particular group dynamic was a mighty exhibition of charisma and creative fireworks may I add, which only seemed to ignite itself on the essence and energy of being woven together in Bali. So thankfully even amongst our own personal agendas, there was still a strong collective group commitment to opening up, bearing witness, and holding space for one another in a variety of intense moments.
I must share that what does open up within you in the midst of chanting chilling mantras for hours in the belly of a thousand plus year old cave, in the middle of the night, in the heart of the jungle…is completely indescribable…and you are never the same. What opened up for me that particular night left me asking myself the question; “Oh my god…what if I never came here?” In that same moment I heard the answer: “This was already written, you were always coming here, and you were always going to know these truths.”
These truths will remain private, but I can share that these truths caused me to do something I have not done in a long time… I did nothing. I just sat and was still. Of course my version of sitting still was more like a quite pleading with my mind to clear itself…and of course so many thoughts came flooding through without my consent.
So I would start my meditation and mantra over, and try not to let my mind drift into worry. Of course all I could picture was an endless stream of images and words about all of my blessings and all of my uncertainties. I ended up holding each of these thoughts for a moment and telling them: “ I know you are here and I accept you for what you are or are not…but I need you to rest right now.
I did this with every matter of my heart, every unresolved happening, everything I have ever been afraid to bring into the light, and thanked all of my teachers who have come to me in such curious forms…until I felt as if I looked ancient from this exertion but empowered that I was the commander of my own release and liberation.
Needless to say I feel that my journey overall proved to be a soul rebirth or replenishing of sorts. A personal transformation that took place in the shape of a rapid-fire stream of unforgettable glimpses and insights saturated in meaning. I am so thankful to have been a part of such a unique opportunity for profound connection and spiritual evolution.
I hope to hang onto these humbling memories as long as I can. I am aware that my “perm-a-grin” will inevitably wear off as I tip-toe quietly through the back door and reenter my “real” life with all of its responsibilities and assignments.
I do know however, that I have a deep appreciation for the mysterious search for meaning. An appreciation that has become a personal commitment which seems to have little to do with common sense and everything to do with love…love for self and love for others.
I realize that just because I had a transformative life experience, that I still may never fully understand my role in the complexity of mankind’s quest for the artistic and sacred. That I may never be the person who packs only what they need when preparing for a trip, and that I will never ever be the woman revered by others for her straight laced conventionality any sooner than I will be the first picked player for a wiffle ball team draft.
But what is true about myself is that when the universe opens itself up to ask: “Who is ready to explore a most curious and profound adventure?” That I can be someone who coolly pulls up a chair, kicks off her shoes, and says: “well now I’m your girl.”
